Teleglitch, you son of a bitch!

So damn tough I gave up on you.” If I were writing a song about Teleglitch: Die More Edition they would be my opening two lines. Aaargh! This fucking game drives me NUTS! It’s so damn random, roguelike and harsh that it takes significant gaming skill to get any bloody where in it! I just don’t have the time or patience, though I have to say: I do love Teleglitch and think that it’s a superb, finely-honed game. Just that it’s more effing torture to add to the gaming rack!

The best way to describe Teleglitch would be to say that it is an overhead shooter, made to look like it’s an original Quake engine mod (Teleglitch doesn’t use the Quake engine though). In fact: this game reminds me of a few Quake mods I played back in the 1990s – although this being a modern game, it looks more than just a mod – it actually looks terrific, in a kitsch, retro kind of way. The graphics may LOOK chunky, indistinct and dated, but they move like silk and have serious “titchy” appeal. Kind of like Lego, but darker, and with Quake colours. Greys, greens, browns and dark shadows. But, most importantly, the controls (mouse and keys – classic WASD combo) work extremely well and allow you to get medieval on the monsters to a zen-like degree. That is: if you’re skillful…

I’m not that skillful at tough shooters, and I don’t have the patience to keep trying, so I gave up at around level four. Well, I say “gave up”… I’m still trying. But playing Teleglitch requires so much precision, thought and concentration that I don’t think I can be bothered to carry on any more… This bothers me because Teleglitch is a game I’d like to see all the way through to the very end, but I am simply not good enough to do that. I might as well watch a video of someone playing it on YouTube. I’d probably avoid a few grey hairs in the process…

My head feels so dizzy, and my limbs feel so… So rubbery. Oh, for more forgiving save points!

What a pathetic creature I am…

Paul Mallinson

Loves “grabbing”. No, that is not a euphemism. “Grabbing” is a term video games magazines used in the 1990s for taking digital screenshots of games for inclusion in their printed articles. Some might call it ‘in-game photography’ – the art of taking screenshots of what you’re playing. Good grabbing requires a good eye, good timing, and good editorial skills.

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